The Smoking Gun -

Ghazal Number One

the sweet summer sky just aint enough to drive away his pain

didn’t have my brand, man, i said i’ll be back in a week

your hippy hairy barefoot baby singin’ Janis by the creek

Ezra sitting on the sun setting- Pound you, i exaggerate

what we have here is a failure- a failure to communicate

blow out neon sale on ivy side walk chalk sign

that cellophane fix lipstick bitch is lookin so fine

band-aid wrapping up your intel pentium hygiene

high heels and short lives in pearls of polystyrene

printer screaming publish me for happy cigarette applause

A implying B implies a necessary cause

your woolen mitten snow drift pattern painted white

dont you know? you know it keeps me up at night

paid in happiness my sweetly Death-endowed arch-angel

hears about her snowing, Bob, and Jesus in the stable

slope talker cellphone walker Mom, you know i love you

plane flying keep on trying but i promise not to shove you

radioactive hat trick for a limited time only

toll free 1-800 number call me if ur lonely

clockwork blazing subterranean home-sick spiral ladder

Babel Tower tires squealing out ‘we almost had her’

white stone tri borough grand central cross island parkway

all roads lead to Rome and Forum film school hearsay

petroleum boxer station swears you’ll always love me

highway 61 beyond the point of leave a tip for Audrey

testing other ways to sail this life than pale jump started

Catherine’s smiling sweetly after smoking gun departed.

Ed Palermo

Finding Jesus, by Ed Palermo

Torstein had long suspected his housemate Ned of foul play, most notably trying to murder him by under-cooking the hamburgers.Words cannot describe the terror- the terror! that plagued his hideous heart for at least twenty-five minutes before dinnertime on certain weekdays.His terror was commensurate to the dreadful vexation he felt when somebody picked out all the red M&M’s at once.

Weekends were something of a safe haven for the pair, since they dined on pork lo mien and egg rolls at the Chinese place on 14^th street.Ned, born half-Jewish, refused to eat all the pork in one go.In his younger days he would weigh the pork on a scale and make sure he only ate half, but now he couldn’t justify going through the trouble on account of his depression.

Ned was depressed about the death of his beloved goldfish, Ned Junior, the only thing he ever loved.This exclusive affection was always an object of incendiary jealousy on the part of Torstein, who felt left out.This may or may not have contributed to the death of poor Ned Jr. Objectively speaking, however, the fact that his glass bowl was found shattered next to a freshly-flushed toilet combined with the concurrent appearance of a conspicuous band-aid on Torstein’s left pinky finger seem to evince villainy.Ned was able to look past it, accepting the story that Torstein had hooked himself on a fishing pole while under the influence.Still, Torstein’s guilt overwhelmed his mind and he convinced himself in a fit of paranoia that Ned would creep into his bedchamber at night and smother his face with pillows.It was for this reason that Torstein systematically poked breathing holes in the center of all his pillows, insisting to visitors that it was for the comfort of his ear (he insisted vehemently on the issue, even when the visitor didn’t ask about it in the first place).

As the death of Ned Jr., may he rest in peace, began to fade from memory, so too did Torstein’s mental anguish.The conundrum may have been solved forever, had a terrible incident not befallen the pitiable pair.On Tuesday and Thursday evenings, Ned was traditionally in charge of cooking supper.So when he came home fifteen minutes early one Monday in a jolly mood, Torstein was immediately suspicious.Ned claimed that his happiness was twofold- that he had won $15 in the lottery that afternoon, and that he had procured the telephone number of the lady at the Chinese place who always wore tight leather pants (unbeknownst to Ned at the time, however, she turned out to be a transvestite).Anyway, Torstein almost accepted the explanation, until Ned offered to cook the hamburgers.This was too much!What was the design of this renegade cooker?What evil proposes lingered behind the guise of his jovial countenance? What! What! What were his intentions!?

You may wonder if these fears manifested themselves in the demeanor of Torstein.I can assure you they did not.On the contrary, Torstein was as calm and collected as ever, even daring so much as to make jokes with his buddy old pal Ned.He told him the one about the hooker with dysentery and they both had a lovely peal of mirth.Yes, everything on the surface seemed just fine, but the moment Ned quit the living room to start on dinner in the kitchen, Torstein broke into a cold sweat and his skin fell pale as the snows of Kilimanjaro.Breathing heavily into a paper bag, he calmed himself enough to regain appearances.

With dinner on the table, Ned recited half of the Kiddush prayer before signaling Torstein to begin.The meal was hamburgers without the bun, since they both had recently subscribed to the saving power of the Atkins diet.

No sooner did Torstein’s fork touch the hamburger than did a striking realization overcome his mind!The meat was clearly undercooked.Red blood oozed from its sides like hot fudge from a sundae.Looking over to Ned’s plate, no blood was apparent.That treacherous oaf!He had fixed to poison Torstein in vengeance over the death of his beloved goldfish!What an awful fate!To die at the hand of the object of one’s unreciprocated love!What cruel fortune this was and is!

So, resolved in mind and soul, when Ned arose to get a refill of 2% milk from the refrigerator, Torstein stealthily pawed the frying pan and lifted it in rage.Just as he was about to wallop Ned in the crown however, he withdrew as if by a miracle, claiming he had found Jesus.

Quiz (100 pts): Name that movie (75pts) and character (25pts)

My Class of 2006 online profile:

hey !!! view my, like, totally awesome class of 2006 profile online!!!!

here it is: http://www.classof2006.cornell.edu/students/profiles/pprofile.php?netid=efp9

(I shall award 5 bonus points* to the fucker who can name who I ripped most of these jokes off of.... and Rob if you even think about adressing the grammar of that statem,ent, I will deduct 14.25 points immediately...)

*Point values subject to change at any time without notice. All rights reserved.